Puppies and Sunshine ( Satire)

Two not-yet-dead puppies

Well, if you'll excuse the pun, the cat is out of the bag. [Editor's note: Pun is not excused.]

   It appears that our government has been engaging in an ongoing program to eliminate all the puppies on the planet. This seemingly herculean task has been reportedly initiated for the direct suppression of any happiness being experienced by the populace of the world.

   It seems that after decades of intense study by researchers around the globe, the ancient bonds between humans and canines are much, much more intricate than previously believed. Research scientists have revealed that human DNA has a fundamental gene that is the root system for everything we perceive as happiness, and that any and all other conceptions of happiness on our part are directly dependent upon the performance of that particular gene.

Rosco's cuteness won't save him.

   The researchers have dubbed it the "puppy gene," for in their research they have found that the only thing that initiates the functionality of this gene is the direct physical contact between humans and puppies.

    These scientists also report that this particular effect seems to be enhanced with the repeated inhaling of the puppies breath, but they caution that after the puppy has reached one year of age, their breath tends to mute the performance of that gene.

   It has long been theorized by conspiracy advocates that certain segments of our government have had sinister plans for the suppression of our freedoms, and the establishment of a "new world order" in which an elite few would hold a tyrannical rule over all people and all lands, giving them complete power over life and death. Well, it seems those soothsayers were correct after all. The belittling and besmirching of character that the vast majority of us relentlessly heaped on these visionaries has proved our short-sightedness.

Dead, dead, dead, dead

  Now it would appear the price of our pathetic attitudes is about to be paid in full. The lack of all happiness around the world appears to bring on a state of apathetic self-pity and depression that incapacitates humans to experience concern of any nature, thereby rendering them powerless to interfere with the institution of the new world government, and the despots that have conceived it.

   Evidently the systematic elimination of all the worlds puppies has been secretly employed for some time now and the point of critical mass has been attained. It seems all those jet trails that have been appearing to multiply in the sky lately contain trace amounts of a chemical that scientists have discovered affects only puppies, and in high enough doses, terminates them.

They'll soon be "sent to the farm."

   This chemical is undetectable and inert until it is exposed to sunlight, which is the reason it is dispersed into the high atmosphere, for maximum penetration. The government has been covertly introducing that chemical into the entire worlds jet fuel supply for years and it has apparently reached the point of no return, experts now predict that the worlds entire puppy supply will be dead within 6 months.

   Predictions for successful domination of the worlds inhabitants range from 12 to 18 months.

    In light of the complete success of the puppy program, the government has postponed the continuation of all conspiracies it is currently employing.

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[Editor's note:  Proper precautions should be taken with any puppies who have not reached gestation by removing them from your presence, by way of throwing them in a garbage can, and then adopting a cat, because cats are far superior.]