Showing posts with label parody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parody. Show all posts

Monday, July 29, 2013

THE STORY OF DOUCHEBAGISTAN Chapter 6 "The royal family"

   The offspring of king Cheney and queen Coulter were a very different group of kids.

   Due to the animal and human DNA found in the royal couples system, they produced some of the strangest Douchebagistany children in the land.






Prince Cantor was the 
firstborn male, and though born without genitalia, he would in time be regarded as one of the biggest dicks in the land. His royal title is the "Duke of puke".
   

   



Prince Ryan was second in line, strangely, Ryan inherited his mothers serpent DNA and was produced as an egg by queen Coulter. Prince Ryan appeared human in many ways, but his rattlesnake nature never left him. His royal title is the "Duke of fluke".









Princess Bachman was the first daughter born to king Cheney and queen Coulter, and she was at once loved by all of  Douchebagistan, but the men of the land loved her the most because she was born without any gag reflexes. Her royal title is the"Dutchess of dick".












Princess Palin was truly a miracle baby, being born without any sign of a brain amazed all the doctors, apparently all the air that filled her head was enough to keep her alive, Her royal title is the "Dutchess of dumb".













Queen Coulters serpent DNA was responsible for the remainder of the royal offspring, the queen laid 9 eggs, and each of them hatched on the same day, and all of them possessed the same family traits, but these princesses would go on to prove to the world that they were every bit a snake as their mother was. These princesses were given a shared royal title, they were named, the "Dutchesses of deception".








   These are the members of the royal family, each of them unique, but all of them Douchebags through and through.

   Stay tuned for further chapters of the story of Douchebagistan.

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Sunday, July 28, 2013

THE STORY OF DOUCHEBAGISTAN Chapter 5 "still more ministers"


   All the Douchebagistan
ministers share the same nasty qualities.

 They are all evil,foul, and self righteous fools.

They are also all GOP









Minister Norquist is in charge of soul sales.

His previous job was being a toilet bowl.

His hobbies are eating babies and licking toes.













Minister Sununu's only duty is to be uglier than every body else.
His hobby is to hide his face.















Minister Rumsfeld is in charge of phony wars and false intelligence.

He previously worked as a pedophile priest.

His hobby is licking king Cheney's boots. 


















Minister Cruz is the official Douchebagistan witchhunter.

He previously sold meth and heroin to school children.

His hobby is putting baby kittens in microwave ovens and timing how long it takes for them to explode.












Romney is the kings minister-at-large.

His role changes every 5 minutes.

He studies chameleons.



   There you have it, the official ministers of the land of Douchebagistan. Be sure to read chapter 6 of the story of Douchebagistan where I reveal the identities of the royal family.


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THE STORY OF DOUCHEBAGISTAN Chapter 4 "More Ministers"

   Because of the mass amount of inbreeding in the Cheney line there were many members of his family  that worked for him.

   The number of royal ministers he appointed to oddly named departments reflects that fact.












   Minister Trump is the keeper of birth records for Douchebagistan

   Though its his only duty, he struggles with understanding how it works on a daily basis.

   His hobbies are being a dick, and pretending he's not gay.









   Minister Issa is responsible for the false accusation department. 

   Issa is very prolific in his job, and the accusations he comes up with almost sound possible.

   His hobbies are burning down buildings and filling out claims.










   Minister O'reilly is the royal court whore.

 His duties are to use his mouth daily to be sure all the royals are sated.

 His hobby is ad nauseam.










   Minister Adelson is the royal purchaser of politicians.

    His duties are to gather as many Republican politicians together as money can buy.

   His hobby is being creepy. 












   Minister Boehner is the official court crier.

   His duties remain unclear due to his not seeming to be able to accomplish anything at all.

 His hobbies are beating dead horses, and whining that no one wants to play with him anymore.








  Although these ministers are the inbred relatives of king Cheney, they are all true blue Douchebags through and through.

   Be sure to read chapter 5 of the story of Douchebagistan to see even more Douchebag ministers.



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Saturday, July 27, 2013

THE STORY OF DOUCHEBAGISTAN Chapter 3 "The Ministers"

   The evil king Cheney of  Douchebagistan has many ministers.

   All of them are lifelong Douchebags and each one has certain responsibilities.





   


 

  Minister Rove oversees the dreaded Douchebagistan secret police.

   Before becoming minister, Rove was employed as a female impersonator at the Wee Takitall all male lounge.

   His favorite hobbies are tripping blind people and drowning small puppies.











  Minister Mcconnell is the keeper of the turtles.

   His hobbies are opening and closing his mouth, and trying to remember to breathe.















   After deposing king Bush, king Cheney decided to let him stay on as Minister of space cadets.

  Though the only space program is between his ears, he has fun.

  The ex-kings hobbies are trying to act important, and telling people it wasn't his fault.
   













  Minister Ginrich is the head of the department of hypocrisy.

   His duties require him to be critical of all others who act as he does.

   His hobbies are cheating on his wife, taking bribes, and telling people he is still important.


















 Minister Limbaugh is in charge of the department of hate.

   Limbaugh is especially qualified for this position due to his vast knowledge of hatred, and his many many years of experience practicing every form of it.

   His hobbies are practicing beastiality with male yaks, and inserting his head into his rectum.








 These are some of king Cheneys ministers, each one hand picked by Cheney because of their total commitment to the Douchebag way of living. Look for more ministers in chapter 4.               





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Thursday, May 16, 2013

Benghazi Update From FOX News (satire)

   FOX NEWS ALERT UPDATE: As promised, Fox news will continue reporting on the Benghazi story until something incriminating President Obama or Former Secretary of State Clinton is found or produced.

    The people at Fox News have spared no expense in the hiring of numerous anonymous sources in order to bring to the American public the message that Fox News believes they should hear.

   Fox News owner and CEO, Rupert Murdoch has reportedly authorized whatever money it takes to ensure the proper results be attained in Benghazi.

    In a gesture that can only be described as patriotic Americanism, the Koch brothers, Donald Trump, and Karl Rove have all pledged to donate sizable amounts of cash to anybody that comes forward to implicate Obama and Clinton in the Benghazi debacle. Evidently interviews are currently being held and it is reported that a suitable anonymous witness will soon be available for testimony to prove that Obama and Clinton were totally complicit in what took place.

   Fox News analysts have also developed stories tying the President to the subversive use of the Internal Revenue Service in not only delaying the granting of tax exempt status for many Republican non-political action groups, but has also encouraged them to investigate those same non-political Republican groups.

   The GOP spokesman Fox news consulted on this matter stated that these type of tactics being employed show just how desperate the Democrats have become, they know were going to mop up the floor with them in 2014 and again in 2016 so they're running scared and doing everything possible to stop our progress. The suggestion that these non-political Republican action groups would attempt getting tax exempt status so that their donors could write off contributions to them is an insult to the honesty and integrity that the GOP has shown it had possessed in the past. The spokesman went on to say that the GOP won't demand a full scale investigation of these alleged IRS wrong doings because it is quite obvious there is nothing to hide and that the GOP was willing to let bygones be bygones in order to address more serious matters at hand.

   When asked about his opinion on the matter ex-vice president Dick Cheney said "I don't know about any of that crap, but what happened in Benghazi was the most horrible thing I've ever seen". He went on to say that while he was growing up during the civil war that the atrocities he witnessed were indeed horrendous, but nothing in comparison to the sheer carnage of Benghazi. Cheney added that even during world wars 1 & 2 the levels of inhumanity didn't compare to that of Benghazi, he said Benghazi made Korea and Viet Nam look like a summer beach party.

    In an interview with Fox news Cheney was joined by ex-secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld in condemning the White House for lying to the nation, and demanded that Obama and Clinton take full responsibility for their actions. Rumsfeld was further quoted as stating "if somebody lies and deceives you once, then you can bet that they will lie to you all the time. Trust me, I know about these things". Fox news will continue monitoring this story and bring you updates as they happen.

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Saturday, May 11, 2013

Want To Know What Really Happened In Benghazi? (satire)

***NEWS FLASH*** ***NEWS FLASH******NEWS FLASH*** ***NEWS FLASH***

   In an unprecedented statement made on Fox News today, an unnamed source has revealed the fact that President Obama was directly responsible for the attacks on our embassy in Benghazi that ended up with the killing of four Americans. Fox News stated that their source requested complete anonymity for obvious reasons. Fox News is in the process of confirming this information with other anonymous sources it depends on and said that if they hear anything at all that they will alert us at once.

   Their current anonymous source reported that not only did Obama and Clinton know about the attack in Benghazi, but they were the ones responsible for it.

    The source said that they had heard that Obama and Clinton were so upset with the Muslim community for taking up so much of their time that, "a little payback's was in order." With that, they set out to devise a way to piss off the Muslims as much as the Muslims had pissed them off.

   President Obama called a secret meeting with his entire cabinet and the idea was proposed to make a movie depicting Muhammad in a compromising position, thereby inflaming the Muslims. It was agreed that a movie was to be secretly produced and posted to the web so all the Muslims would be sure to see it.

    It was rumored that when the possibility of attacks on our embassies and people were mentioned that Obama said "don't worry, they're big boys, they can handle it", and with Hillary and the rest of his cabinet agreeing, the plan was set in motion.

   The anonymous Fox News source reported that somebody who sounded "kind of Russian" had told him when the movie was posted online that Obama and his staff went into the situation room to watch the outrage begin worldwide. Evidently they were laughing and dancing on the tables as they witnessed Muslims all over the planet become outraged over this treatment of their sacred prophet, Hillary was said to have stated "Screw those camel-jockeys!  Serves them right!"

   They were all laughing and drinking when suddenly it was reported that the American embassy in Benghazi was attacked and that four people were murdered, including the Ambassador. The President reportedly said, "Oh, shit.  What a buzz kill."  Then, one by one, made everybody in the room swear that they wouldn't mention a word about who did this. After everyone promised to keep quiet the President told everyone to go home and just act normally.

   After the story of the embassy attack went worldwide the press naturally wanted a statement from the White House on the details of the attack. Obama and Secretary Clinton decided to have someone that wasn't aware of their involvement be the spokesperson that would appear on all the Sunday morning news shows. That person ended up being Ambassador Rice. She was given a statement to read saying that we don't know what took place, but were going to find out.

   This cunning plan would have come off without a hitch if it wasn't for those brilliant Republican Congressmen who with keen senses and amazing insight knew that there was more to this story.

    The way that the Republican lawmakers so selflessly put aside all the current legislation they had been filibustering in order to devote all of their valuable time into combing though and dissecting every minute particle of this event just so the American people could have the full explanation of what had happened in Benghazi made you proud to be called an American.

   Though they tirelessly sifted through any information provided to them, and heard testimony from anybody they could get to show up, these heroic and patriotic legislators were thwarted by the Obama/Clinton cabal. Through month after month of investigations the brave and honorable Congressmen weren't allowed to find enough evidence with which to prove the complicity that they were sure the White House was responsible for.

   But now Fox news and their anonymous source have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that the President not only knew about but was the reason for the horrible loss of four fine Americans that fateful day. Stay tuned to Fox News for further updates.


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Friday, March 29, 2013

Politics: Defined -- (Truthful Edition)

Republican (n)
1. Varies from unit to unit, however, most often consists of: a combination of ingredients. Including, greed, lack of values, lack of integrity, a willingness to sacrifice all principles, the ability to betray all promises made and oaths taken and the treacherous selling out of his country to the highest bidder. Republicans also have the ability to not only deny known facts, but to conjure up any facts needed at the time.

Democrat (n)
Very similar to Republican, however, Democrats lack the backing of most big money so they have to appeal to a broader base. The need for there to be a genuine appearing concern for the average American forces most Democrats to adopt causes that effect the lower class and middle class, however they retain most of the other traits possessed by Republicans.

Independent (n)
An entity that does not possess the money to get elected.

Other Parties (n)
Who?

The Supreme Court (n)
Nine individuals, posted by Presidents to review and validate issues and laws while pretending to be non-political.

Lobbyist (n)
A person, employed by any organization to use any means needed for the purpose of bribery and corruption of lawmakers.

Special Interest Groups (n)
 Corruption specialists (see also Wall Street).

The American Public (n)
A group representing 99% of the populace of the United States of America. Although this contingent is by far the majority of the countries inhabitants, it is ruled exclusively by the powerful elites. All political actions and decisions are done only at the desire of the Elite class. The facade of any political power held by the masses is just that, a facade.

The Elite Class (n)
Individuals and corporations with enough money to bribe all the politicians needed to fulfill their agenda.

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Friday, March 1, 2013

"Pooped-out Pope" (pun)

It seems the post-present Pope is pooped. Previously, the post-present Papal proudly performed perfectly pleasant prayers piously. This people-pleasing Pope projected perfectly pitched passages pertaining to pages of prophecy, placed on papers predominantly printed previously.

Pitifully, this Pope's pep is precluding him permanently from preaching peace per prior promises. Perhaps the pledge of a new Pontiff to placate peoples needs to practice piety pertaining to the Papacy will prevent part-time practicing patrons from putting aside precious pieces of their peaceful pursuit of perfection.

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[Editor's note: Poorly-punctuated, painful prose proliferates this pungent page.  Please pass this post, post-haste.]