THE STORY OF DOUCHEBAGISTAN Chapter 2 "The Queen"

   Douchebagistan was ruled by an evil and cruel king, but their queen was also a mean and vile ruler.

   Queen Coulter took pleasure in tormenting everyone she met.

   With a heart as black as coal, and as hard as stone, queen Coulter and her coven of douchebags in waiting would spend hours and hours just thinking up evil things to do.

   The evil queen was conceived when a wild boar ate some mushrooms that made him insanely horny, the only living thing that boar could find was a large rattlesnake. The boar did his business with the snake and 6 weeks later, queen Coulter was born.

   While still very young Coulter was slithering through the swamp and came upon an old Nazi's retirement home.

   Coulter went inside and immediately felt
like she had finally found her true family.

   She shared in all the Nazi lifestyle, yes, young Ann felt like she found the place where she most belonged.

   The Nazi's welcomed her and taught her all the things that are important in the life of a twisted evil bigot.

   They even gave her employment training.

   These kind hearted generous Nazi mentors even got together and bought young Ann Coulter her very first work uniform, including the optional handcuffs and cat-o-nine tails.

   It didn't take Ann long to become the best pain giver in the land.

   Soon, people throughout Douchebagistan would say,"if you really want to suffer, go talk to Ann Coulter".

   And that is how Coulter would soon be the queen of the land.

   One day, king Cheney found himself thanking somebody, he couldn't believe that he had done that, he immediately called for his minister of hate, Sir Limbaugh.

   Sir Limbaugh assured the king that what he needed was a mate that would be a constant source of misery in his life, someone who would always be there to crush any empathy that might surface.

   Sir Limbaugh said he knew just the person, and with that he sped off to retrieve Coulter from her usual corner.

   As soon as king Cheney met Coulter, he knew he was dealing with a kindred spirit, he wasted no time in asking Coulter to be his queen.

   They married that very day, and the now queen Ann Coulter was finally able to make the entire land as miserable as she possibly could.

   

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Thank You, President Obama -- I Really, Really Needed That

   Thank you Mr. President, you have brought back in me something that I feared was mortally wounded and would cease to exist in a very short while, something that I had held onto for all my life, something I took for granted until one day when a part of it got stolen from me

    Then for a long, long time people would come to me and say that they were my friends and that they wouldn't let anybody else steal anymore of it from me, but when I went to bed they would come by and steal little pieces of it from me while I was asleep, thinking that maybe I wouldn't notice it missing.

    After a while I really started to miss it and I wanted it back, so I asked these people who said that they were my friends, "Can I please have it back? I didn't know how much I loved it and now I really, really need it back." These people told me that, yes, I could have it back, but that I would have to wait a little while to get it because it wasn't safe for them to give it to me just yet. I was so happy to know that I was getting it back that I just said thank you, thank you so much,

   I know you'll try hard to make sure I get it back. And so I waited, but pretty soon I noticed that every morning when I woke up someone had taken a little more of it while I slept.

    Now it had been 8 years since it first started getting stolen from me and all I had left of it was a very, very small piece about the size of a grain of sand. I remember thinking, why should I even keep this, it;s not good for anything, and then I saw some people on TV saying that they had lot's of it, and if I would make them my friends that they would give me all I wanted of it.

  I thought that yes, I will make them my friends, but then the other people said that if I make them my friends then I would never be safe and that someone would come and steal my last piece of it I had. I didn't care, what good was one piece anyway, the man on TV didn't look like any of my other friends, but I asked him to be my friend anyway.

    Well after having to fight with the other people, he came to me and said yes, I will be your new friend now and as I promised you, here is a big bag of it, and don't worry, I'll get you the rest of what I promised you very soon. I was in heaven, I had a big bag of it and I was as happy as could be. I started using it right away and it was wonderful, I didn't know how much I missed it, pretty soon I noticed that I had used a lot of it up and I needed more, when I asked my new friend for it he said all the trucks were breaking down and there wasn't anymore to give me, but if I would give him time that he would be sure to give me more.

   I said OK, I will wait some more, but inside all I could think of was how those other people said they were my friends and all they ever did was steal more and more of it from me

    I now had used up almost all of it that he gave me before and I was going to just throw away the little bit I had left, when I saw my friend back on the TV, he didn't look or act the same, my friend started sounding like he used to, he said a lot of the trucks were still broken, but he had a huge supply of it and that I and everyone else can come and get all they can carry.  He said he had enough of it now so we will never run out again.

    President Obama has done something unheard of in modern times. He has told the nation that it is time to quit calling it a "War on terror" and that we need to retract the special powers given to a President in wartime.

    Who of you could possibly see any GOP President doing that?

    Obama has re-asserted his desire to close Guantanamo Bay and either send home its inmates or give them judicial recourse. He is stepping up to the plate and doing the things that will ensure him a place in history as one of our greatest presidents.

   He is showing the character and honor of the man I saw campaigning in 2007. And the thing that he gave me back was "HOPE," and I sure feel better because of it.

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Hillary is not shy (satire)

   The scene is that we are in Heaven, observing God having a conversation with Bill Clinton, George Bush Jr., and Hillary Clinton. One by one, God queries the three of them.

God: So Bill, tell me what you most believe?
.
Bill Clinton: Well Lord, I believe that each of us was put on Earth for a special reason, I believe that special reason for me was to travel the world uniting people from all countries to act as one and end war and hunger and poverty so that we may all live in peace.
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God: Very good Bill, those are noble and honorable beliefs, take a seat here on my right.

God: George, tell me what you most believe?
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George Bush Jr. Well you see God, I believe that we need a strong America to keep all our citizens safe and to be the protector of the world's people.

God: Very nice George, you may sit here on my left.

God: So Hillary, tell me what you most believe.?

Hillary Clinton: I believe you're sitting in my chair.

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We Should Have Seen It Coming (satire)

Faux Noise: Bare and Phalliced

   It appears that FOX News (?) Channel has an exclusive on the story of the century.

    FOX reported that it has confirmed this information, with its usual sources, in the chat rooms and on blog sites.

   Those sources revealed that the United States has, for the last 61 years, been using North Korea as a covert training base for the elite troops it plans to use in the sequestering of it's population, and the imposition of military rule across America. 

  The reports indicate that ex-Vice President Dick Cheney will be given the honorary rank of six-star general, and placed as the "Dicktator" in charge. Donald Rumsfeld will be named Vice Dicktator, but only given four stars, because Cheney doesn't think he deserves five. 

   Ex-President George W. Bush has not been contacted by anybody. 

Pyongyang, North Korea

   FOX News reports that the military takeover has been planned since 1952, and that its time for implementing is now, before the Republican party self-implodes completely and fails to exist at all.

    Fox also says that their sources in the chat rooms admit that the covert nature of this takeover plan was brilliantly executed, that while the entire world was told that North Korea was a closed society and that no outsiders were permitted into the country, there existed the perfect cover to train the forces needed for their diabolical agenda, without the world ever noticing. 

   Evidently, the initial plan had called for a number of North Korean soldiers to be involved in the initial invasion. However, due to the emaciation of 93% of the North Korean military, Cheney and his evil group instead secretly made a pact with the Swiss Navy, and the Salvation Army to ally with the Sri Lankan soldiers that they have already trained. 

   There were reports that the Canadian Mounted Police were scheduled to take part in the operation, however FOX News could not confirm this on any of the blogs they looked at.

   FOX  News confirmed their reliable sources have claimed that this takeover operation is imminent and that we should expect to start seeing its full implementation no later than election time in 2014. 

"Hello, Clarice."

   It has also been rumored that in preparation for his position of "Dicktator," Cheney has imprisoned three young men that share his blood type for the express purpose of any new heart transplants he may require. Word has it that since his body had functioned without any heart for so long, that it doesn't recognize the need for one now, and so rejects them soon after installation. 

   Donald Rumsfeld is scheduled for a nose extension so that he can still breathe through it while it's stuck up Cheney's ass.

    Condoleezza Rice apparently has not been offered a position in the new regime because, as Dick Cheney states,"Come on.  She's black and she's a woman.  How could that help?" 

   Their plan calls for the dissolution of the Senate and Congress, but experts agree that nobody will notice the difference with them being gone.

    All citizens opposed to this new government are encouraged to immediately head south and climb the fence into Mexico, where it is reported that the Mexican population is waiting to greet them with open arms. 

Stay tuned to FOX News Channel. Your reliable news source.

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